Progress.....

If I was going to be honest I would have to say that last week was a bit rough. Not so much in terms of anything that physically happened, but emotionally. While I have tried to remain cool, calm and collected about not having a job, wondering how I'm going to pay the bills, working on getting the house ready to rent and picking up and moving again; the addition of some key ingredients namely exhaustion, illness and some hormones, caused all my uncertainty and anxiety came bubbling up and out. It wasn't pretty, normal maybe, but definitely not pretty. The total truth is that being unsettled as I have been for the past 2years, really does begin to wear on you- emotionally, relationally and spiritually. While I am planning on going back to Cali, this time indefinitely, I have been rerunning the same thoughts and questions in my head "where 'should' I be? What if I make a wrong decision? Have I gone to far in the renting process to change my mind? Am I physically able to get all my things packed and moved and all the improvements done so that it is rentable? Are all these improvements going to put me further in debt and further from school? If I rent my house, will I ever come back? What is there for me in Cali and what is left for me here? What if there are no jobs for me? Will I need to get a permanent position? can I afford a permanent position? Will I be able to go back to school if I take a permanent position? etc etc etc" These are the questions that spin around and around until I am a dizzy confused mess, like someone who's been blind folded, spun 30times and left in the woods to find her way out. This is how I felt wednesday when I sat where I'm sitting now, exhausted, crying, frustrated, sick (I had the flu- yuck!) and in need of some answers, or at least assurance.

The person quoted as saying "no use crying over spilled milk" obviously has never done it- because sometimes, once you figure out what you're really crying over, a good cry is all it takes to clear your thoughts and let you think reasonably again. I wouldn't say that I got any answers (still no job). But a sweet friend Lori unselfishly reminded me to walk toward what I originally felt I was called to (school) unless I was specifically unquestionably called to something else (example- don't give up on school to get married when there isn't even any man in the picture) just because I may not "feel" like it (example- if you want to lose weight you have to go to the gym regardless if you "feel" like it), and with that reminder came the confidence that I had somehow lost.

So this weekend I moved everything from both bedrooms and the bathroom into the office. Hung drywall on the ceiling of the master bedroom (okay Dwayne Lapp hung it, but I could have done it.... or not), painted the spare room- trim and all (lovely shade of green or grey or greyish green.... depends the time of day i guess, but trust me when I say it looks good), got the bathroom ready to be started tomorrow and now officially have signed a lease with Mel and Jamie all while having the flu.

I am going to bed to sleep for a very, very very long time:-)

AT LAST!

Wow! I can't believe it's been almost a month since I posted. Where does time go? And more importantly, how is that so much time has passed and I feel I have nothing but a growing "to do" list to show for it? I have been thinking about what to blog. Sometimes while trying to fall asleep, I think "I need to blog" and proceed to "plan" a blog post. The topics vary from things like my love of hats, stories about patients, time spent with my nieces, what being single and (almost) 30 in Lancaster county really feels like, and how the show America's Next Top Model always makes me think "what if." Though these (thankfully) never made it to the blog they all were wickedly humerus and very insightful in my mind (bear in mind, I was falling asleep).

The last couple of weeks have been chaotic but not extremely exciting. Sure there have been things like the beach with the Randolphs, random happenings with friends, a birthday here and there (Happy 30th Lena!) but my life has a rhytm to it. Work, clean, pack, go to the gym..... that seems to be my steady existence these days. Each area seems to have some "drama" that you may find note worthy.

Work- I extended my contract until mid Oct. (Oct 20th to be exact) and plan on extending it through the first week of November. This is the latest I can extend. There is some comfort in extending a month beyond what I originally signed for. First, it gives me more time to pack up this place I call home. Second it gives me more time to get everything done that needs to be done... i.e the infamous bathroom (Work starts the first week of Oct, YIPPPEEE) not to mention the mass amount painting still left to do. It also gives me two extra pay checks with which I can pay for the above mentioned work. Sadly I realize that as soon as all this work is done, I'll be leaving and won't be here to enjoy it. As far as Cali jobs go, I have none. Actually, as far as a job anywhere, I have none. For most people this would cause a fair amount of anxiety. I'm not gonna lie, some days it does. But I have come to realize that life has a way of unfolding itself, and my anxiety, though justified to some, doesn't change it. I am very confident that there is a job for me somewhere even though it seems like I won't find out where until the last minute. I've always said I like surprises.... this is just a test:-)

The House- Have you ever been overwhelmed by a huge task that you can't seem to find the motivation to do it simply because trying to decide where to start is exhausting?? That is how life on New St feels these days. Each day I think of all I have to do in the next month. I think so hard, that thinking is all I ever get done. The conversation with myself usually goes like this.... "Okay, I need to clean out the car, and take the stuff to goodwill, but there is that stuff in the kitchen that needs to go too, wait where in the kitchen is that stuff? I should pack up the kitchen, so I can find everything I want to take. But if I pack up the kitchen what plates, silverware etc will I use. I could use paper products but what happens if i run out before work and can't go get any. Better not pack the kitchen up yet" That's just a sample of the long conversation myself and I had today.... the outcome- the kitchen is packed minus two plates, two cups and some silverware (and pots and pans), but the car isn't cleaned out and the goodwill merchandise is still here.

The cleaning/packing war is complicated by the "my house is a construction zone" aspect. The master bedroom is ready to be drywalled and the bathroom needs to be cleaned out and ready for its face lift, so nothing is where it should be anyway. I found myself grumbling today about how much work moving is, even if its just to the attic. I now understand why people buy a house and grow old in it.

The gym- you may be thinking "really?? drama at the gym?" more like trainer trauma. Nick was my trainer in July. I was to call him when I got back from vacation. I did and he never returned my calls. So I signed up to see Tyrone again. (Tyrone was the trainer that chatted with me for an hour and a half instead of working out with me) I figured I would just need to "redirect" him if he got too chatty. We had out first session last week. He kicked my butt (probably because of a sassy comment I made doubting his ability to work me hard enough to drop 15lbs before I leave). We were set to work out twice this week. Tuesday I got a phone call saying he was going to be out for two weeks. I think I'm cursed!! I'm just not meant to train in the state of PA!! I ran into Tyrone tonight at the gym and he explained the situation. I'm not going to pretend that I understood what he said, but it had to do with certification of some sort and him taking a class.


While there are other things I could post, like my gym crush coming full circle or the car accident I was in this weekend (just rear ended, everyone is fine- but my car will be getting its third rear bumper) or Sheli breaking her leg in three places and needing surgery, I'm going to close here. It's late and I have a full day of thinking about cleaning and packing without actually doing it planned tomorrow!