Progress.....

If I was going to be honest I would have to say that last week was a bit rough. Not so much in terms of anything that physically happened, but emotionally. While I have tried to remain cool, calm and collected about not having a job, wondering how I'm going to pay the bills, working on getting the house ready to rent and picking up and moving again; the addition of some key ingredients namely exhaustion, illness and some hormones, caused all my uncertainty and anxiety came bubbling up and out. It wasn't pretty, normal maybe, but definitely not pretty. The total truth is that being unsettled as I have been for the past 2years, really does begin to wear on you- emotionally, relationally and spiritually. While I am planning on going back to Cali, this time indefinitely, I have been rerunning the same thoughts and questions in my head "where 'should' I be? What if I make a wrong decision? Have I gone to far in the renting process to change my mind? Am I physically able to get all my things packed and moved and all the improvements done so that it is rentable? Are all these improvements going to put me further in debt and further from school? If I rent my house, will I ever come back? What is there for me in Cali and what is left for me here? What if there are no jobs for me? Will I need to get a permanent position? can I afford a permanent position? Will I be able to go back to school if I take a permanent position? etc etc etc" These are the questions that spin around and around until I am a dizzy confused mess, like someone who's been blind folded, spun 30times and left in the woods to find her way out. This is how I felt wednesday when I sat where I'm sitting now, exhausted, crying, frustrated, sick (I had the flu- yuck!) and in need of some answers, or at least assurance.

The person quoted as saying "no use crying over spilled milk" obviously has never done it- because sometimes, once you figure out what you're really crying over, a good cry is all it takes to clear your thoughts and let you think reasonably again. I wouldn't say that I got any answers (still no job). But a sweet friend Lori unselfishly reminded me to walk toward what I originally felt I was called to (school) unless I was specifically unquestionably called to something else (example- don't give up on school to get married when there isn't even any man in the picture) just because I may not "feel" like it (example- if you want to lose weight you have to go to the gym regardless if you "feel" like it), and with that reminder came the confidence that I had somehow lost.

So this weekend I moved everything from both bedrooms and the bathroom into the office. Hung drywall on the ceiling of the master bedroom (okay Dwayne Lapp hung it, but I could have done it.... or not), painted the spare room- trim and all (lovely shade of green or grey or greyish green.... depends the time of day i guess, but trust me when I say it looks good), got the bathroom ready to be started tomorrow and now officially have signed a lease with Mel and Jamie all while having the flu.

I am going to bed to sleep for a very, very very long time:-)