(Self) Discipline: Freedoms Ugly Step Sister

I'm not sure that the title makes any sense but being one who sees most things in terms of relationship, it made me laugh... mostly because I am admittedly not good at self discipline.

I had a hard time figuring out what to blog about... there are a ton of good things happening here, both in the realm of self discipline and in big changes. So I decided I start with discipline and talk about the changes at a later date.

So, the last wednesday in February marked the start of lent. I've never really taken lent seriously other then to say I'm giving up exercising or going to work..etc. This year though I was strongly encouraged to do it by my mentor/discipler/counselor (what ever you want to call her) Catherine. I'm not Catholic and neither is Catherine. But she explained lent to me in a way that made more sense then just "sacrificing something you like for 40 days as an act of worship." Now, don't get me wrong, that's all well and good but she explained that Lent is more about giving up something and pressing in to the void it creates and find renewal. Like if I struggle with gluttony, daily fasting a meal to pray and get to the root of my sin issue with food and ask God to meet me there. Or if I am constantly tired, to give up coffee and press into the exhaustion to find out what the root of it is... etc.

I had a really hard time picking my "Lentin Discipline." I don't really drink besides an occasional glass of wine, my last of which was way before my birthday in January. I don't really smoke besides the occasional cigar on the beach. My long struggle with food is, at the moment, under control. I don't really watch tv, not for lack of enjoying it but for lack of time. My spending is... well we'll discuss that a little later. But what I have become keenly aware of over the past year is my immense desire for and seeking of affirmation from others, not from the God and how that has kept my heart imprisoned in a lot of ways. So the seeking is what I'm giving up and asking for renewal in the desire to receive it from him. Bringing a thought process, esp. an unconscious one, under control seems nearly impossible. And truthfully it kinda has been. Figuring out how to "walk it out" has been tricky esp. since I'm social. While I don't really feel like I need to go into the nitty gritty of how/when/what, I did realize that I need to pull back socially (though not completely...that would be insanity for me) and carve out a set time daily to focus/meditate/read on what God says about Himself,what He says about me, strengths he's given me and His purpose for me. So that's what I've been doing for the last week and I have to tell you that Catholic or not, Lent has been humbling, extremely eye opening but amazing none-the-less.

My battle with my heart motivations are not the only area of (self) discipline I am encountering these days. This month marks something huge for me... almost big enough to make March 2009 my favorite month of all time (that's not taking into account that fact that I some day hope to get married and birth some babies). I started travel nursing 4 1/2 years ago. One (of the several)reasons I did that was to pay off the HUGE amount of debt I had. So huge that a year after starting this "journey" I calculated my debt (excluding my house) and taped the number to my credit card... that number was between (gulp) $40 and $50 thousand dollars. This month, I will pay off the Montero, and the $15000 dollar debt consolidation loan I took out and spent with out consolidating anything, leaving me with my recent school expenses and a house (which is for currently for sale). This didn't hit me until just a few days ago and it gives me an incredible sense of freedom!!! I didn't think this day would ever come but it comes at the perfect time (it coincides with one of the several big changes to be discussed at a later date) I recently got Quicken accounting software for my lap-top (yeah yeah yeah... it's been around forever) but it too has opened my eyes to my often ridiculous spending habits. There is something about knowing you have to enter transactions and watching your account dwindle for frivolous things like Starbucks, or a trip to Target on a rainy day (ladies you know what I mean). Don't get me wrong, I am not at all anal about money, nor do I have a problem giving it away or spending it on people, that's actually one of things I enjoy doing the most, but I have also never really balanced my check book and being on a budget before the last few years either....

Self discipline is hard. I'm not good at it. But I'm learning freedom is only really freedom when you know how to exercise a little bit of self discipline.

(disclaimer 1- I'm not saying the affirmation from people is bad. I think it is a necessity. Disclaimer 2- no applause please on the debt payoff. My spending has gone from good to bad to ugly and back again more times then I can count... and I have a closet with clothes and shoes that have never been worn to prove it. In truth I could/should have had it all paid off in half the time. I guess sometimes the hardest lessons need to be taught multiple times before they get learned).