mmmmmmmm.....

...the smell of orange blossoms are everywhere here! It is amazing (and not citrus-y at all like one might think). It is light and sweet and makes me smile because it means spring is here. We have three orange trees at my parents and four at my new house including one that sits right outside the kitchen window so no matter which house I'm in I can always smell it come through the windows on the breeze...

all the more reason to love march.

March Madness::. BitterSweet

I think the month of march is about changes, at least in my world.

Last Sunday my dad announced in church that Weston, our youth pastor, was resigning to pursue urban ministry and the search for the next youth pastor was beginning. I've known he was resigning since the end of Jan. and that he had actually given his letter of resignation just after winter camp in Feb, but the announcement was postponed due to "technical difficulties."

This is kinda bittersweet for me. Weston and I have had a....ummm, how shall I say this... turbulent relationship over the past year and a half(I would say tumultuous but that implies a whole world of things that are not the case). But regardless of our immense differences in how we relate to kids, how view things and do things, he's become a really good friend who is dependable, stable, non-grudge holding and is always seeking the Lord. And our relationship, while still having differences, has grown into one of mutual respect and open frank honesty. While I'm sad that my friend will be leaving for other things and aware of how different it will be when he's gone, I'm excited for him and at the thought of a new youth pastor who can really related to kids and bring new life and excitement. I not going to lie here though, the thought of a new youth pastor that I may not know is a little scary to me. Weston and I have a built a good working relationship. As the female counterpart to his leading, he allows me a huge amount of freedom in programing, planning, and leading that I've come to enjoy. I know that this might not be the case with the new person and that it will take a time adjust and build trust and develop boundaries.... all the fun stuff.

The fun part is, or maybe not fun depending on how it goes, is that once the the applicants are weeded out and have gone through an initial interview process, I, as well as the two other people on who serve on the "youth commision" get to do the second interview.

So the search begins...

March Madness::.

HOME SWEET HOME

Last month I was approached by a lady at church. She and her husband own and manage a retirement community at the end of the street. The church is on one corner of the block the Upland Manor at the other about a 6th of a mile away. The Upland Manor owns a few houses along the span between the two. (I'm sure you can see where this is going).

She asked if I would be interested in renting one of the houses. We chatted for a few minutes about it, I told her I had dogs she told me what the rent would be but that it included w/s/t, lawn and pool service (yeah it has a pool).

Later that week my mom and I walked down to the vacant house to look around the outside. I loved what I saw! The house looks small and quaint from the front but is really a nice sized 3 bedroom 2 bath house on a large sized lot (by cali standards). There is a stone patio off the dining room and master bedroom that includes a built in brick fireplace, grill and wash sink, A large detached garage, An in ground pool with hot tub and huge pool house (which can double as a guest house that comes complete with fireplace and built in bar) followed by a nice back yard with plum and orange trees.

To make a long story short, over the course of a few weeks, the rent dropped dramatically, the board approved the dogs and dropped the pet deposit and lowered the over all security deposit. We were originally told the pool house was going to be off limits, but during our last conversation were told the pool is ours with free reign to do whatever we want to cosmetically. Great roommates appeared almost out of nowhere and though we haven't officially signed the lease (we just turned in the deposit this week) we were given permission to move in early free of charge.

I am soooo blessed!!!


I guess the short version would have been to just say: I'm moving out of my parents house!


Here are some photos of the outside of the house (patio was still being cleaned up from the last tenant when I walked down to take them)

(Self) Discipline: Freedoms Ugly Step Sister

I'm not sure that the title makes any sense but being one who sees most things in terms of relationship, it made me laugh... mostly because I am admittedly not good at self discipline.

I had a hard time figuring out what to blog about... there are a ton of good things happening here, both in the realm of self discipline and in big changes. So I decided I start with discipline and talk about the changes at a later date.

So, the last wednesday in February marked the start of lent. I've never really taken lent seriously other then to say I'm giving up exercising or going to work..etc. This year though I was strongly encouraged to do it by my mentor/discipler/counselor (what ever you want to call her) Catherine. I'm not Catholic and neither is Catherine. But she explained lent to me in a way that made more sense then just "sacrificing something you like for 40 days as an act of worship." Now, don't get me wrong, that's all well and good but she explained that Lent is more about giving up something and pressing in to the void it creates and find renewal. Like if I struggle with gluttony, daily fasting a meal to pray and get to the root of my sin issue with food and ask God to meet me there. Or if I am constantly tired, to give up coffee and press into the exhaustion to find out what the root of it is... etc.

I had a really hard time picking my "Lentin Discipline." I don't really drink besides an occasional glass of wine, my last of which was way before my birthday in January. I don't really smoke besides the occasional cigar on the beach. My long struggle with food is, at the moment, under control. I don't really watch tv, not for lack of enjoying it but for lack of time. My spending is... well we'll discuss that a little later. But what I have become keenly aware of over the past year is my immense desire for and seeking of affirmation from others, not from the God and how that has kept my heart imprisoned in a lot of ways. So the seeking is what I'm giving up and asking for renewal in the desire to receive it from him. Bringing a thought process, esp. an unconscious one, under control seems nearly impossible. And truthfully it kinda has been. Figuring out how to "walk it out" has been tricky esp. since I'm social. While I don't really feel like I need to go into the nitty gritty of how/when/what, I did realize that I need to pull back socially (though not completely...that would be insanity for me) and carve out a set time daily to focus/meditate/read on what God says about Himself,what He says about me, strengths he's given me and His purpose for me. So that's what I've been doing for the last week and I have to tell you that Catholic or not, Lent has been humbling, extremely eye opening but amazing none-the-less.

My battle with my heart motivations are not the only area of (self) discipline I am encountering these days. This month marks something huge for me... almost big enough to make March 2009 my favorite month of all time (that's not taking into account that fact that I some day hope to get married and birth some babies). I started travel nursing 4 1/2 years ago. One (of the several)reasons I did that was to pay off the HUGE amount of debt I had. So huge that a year after starting this "journey" I calculated my debt (excluding my house) and taped the number to my credit card... that number was between (gulp) $40 and $50 thousand dollars. This month, I will pay off the Montero, and the $15000 dollar debt consolidation loan I took out and spent with out consolidating anything, leaving me with my recent school expenses and a house (which is for currently for sale). This didn't hit me until just a few days ago and it gives me an incredible sense of freedom!!! I didn't think this day would ever come but it comes at the perfect time (it coincides with one of the several big changes to be discussed at a later date) I recently got Quicken accounting software for my lap-top (yeah yeah yeah... it's been around forever) but it too has opened my eyes to my often ridiculous spending habits. There is something about knowing you have to enter transactions and watching your account dwindle for frivolous things like Starbucks, or a trip to Target on a rainy day (ladies you know what I mean). Don't get me wrong, I am not at all anal about money, nor do I have a problem giving it away or spending it on people, that's actually one of things I enjoy doing the most, but I have also never really balanced my check book and being on a budget before the last few years either....

Self discipline is hard. I'm not good at it. But I'm learning freedom is only really freedom when you know how to exercise a little bit of self discipline.

(disclaimer 1- I'm not saying the affirmation from people is bad. I think it is a necessity. Disclaimer 2- no applause please on the debt payoff. My spending has gone from good to bad to ugly and back again more times then I can count... and I have a closet with clothes and shoes that have never been worn to prove it. In truth I could/should have had it all paid off in half the time. I guess sometimes the hardest lessons need to be taught multiple times before they get learned).

Winter Camp

(Pictures courtesy of Jamie)
Last weekend was winter camp, when all the Brethren in Christ youth groups in southern cali head to the snow for the weekend. Those who know me well, know that I love camp. This was no exception. It was a blast (one of the best wintercamps I've ever been to!!). The kids were awesome, the teaching was heavy but excellent, and there was plenty of snow. An added bonus was that Jamie Sensenig came out for the weekend to be a boys counselor, took some pretty sweet pictures (of course that means that he is in NONE of them, becuase I didn't take my camera out of my backpack...sigh... will I ever learn?) and he got to hang out with some of the coolest kids on the planet and my family. As always, it's fun to have him around!


Two speakers came from Fuller Seminary's Youth Institute (FYI) and talked about finding Christ in the midst of pain, what ever the source of pain be. We all were challenged to be honest with the deep places of hurt in our hearts, things that are undealt with and swept under the rug, and seek the Lord there. Like in Hosea when "the valley of trouble becomes a door of hope." There were kids that came forward with things like cutting, abuse, hurt from broken homes, deaths of parents, bullying... It was a topic that both adults and kids could relate to. We were left with the story of Job and the fact that he never got an answer to his question of "why" but that what he got was far greater: God showed up. I was really affected, and I know I'm not the only one.

Until this weekend, I didn't realize how much I missed the kids. I pulled back from the youth ministry at the end of the summer for several valid reasons (I still keep in contact with most of my girls but haven't been around youth group much). But something has been happened this weekend. It could have been that I was at camp, it could have been having a good friend from PA around, or it could have been that I had way to much caffiene but there is something about being with these kids that makes me feel like things are right with the world....

huh??

it's been rainy and cold here. I walked out to my car this morning, running fashionably late as usual. To my surprise there was ICE on my windshield... what happened to the Southern California weather I've grown love?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

needless to say, I don't have an ice scraper and was more than just fashionably late.....

Sunshine please please come back soon... my feet hate shoes..

hello????

So, umm, it's been awhile. Truthfully I've tried updating several times (like 6) over the past few months but there is a ton to tell and I get lost in details which leads to frustration which leads to me daydreaming, which leads to me... well, not posting. I'm at work now so I don't really have time to post much (of which there is a ton, i.e. career change, work, church, CD releases.... like I said lost in details), but I do want to update on one specific thing.

One of the main reasons for my not posting is my business. I have been busy dating a man, since the end of Oct... Halloween to be exact. Those of you long time blog followers will know him as David from the Utopian Love Story post way back in Aug 2007. The last few months has been so fun, and so hard. Fun because he makes me laugh. We go on "adventures" instead of dates. (adventures are usually free alternatives to dates, like the beach to water color, or Ikea (below with the hats), or hiking, or catalina, or fishing). We talk hours on the phone, see each other almost daily, make up goofy songs that our fake band is going to sing...etc. It's been hard because I was forced to face a lot of my fears of being hurt, of being vulnerable and open, of not being good enough and had to let my guard down. These are all hard things to work through and it took me sometime to completely say "this is what I want." David was extremely, extremely patient with me. He answered questions, gave plenty of assurance and always always treated my heart gently in spite of the things I would say (and I said plenty of things I wish I could take back). I finally decided that I was ready to be 'in it' a few weeks before he decided he was done being 'in it'. And things ended rather abruptly last Thursday. The 'break-up' was amicable. I had an amazing quiet time earlier in the day that I believe was preparation for 'the talk.' We parted with the understanding that things would change but not too much. We would still see each other and talk, but keep things low key until some things in both our lives got worked out. He has since stopped all communication without warning or reason. I am left confused, sad, missing my friend terribly and am not sure what I should be doing. I want to make things right, but am not sure what exactly is wrong. I want to apologize for things I've said (that I have already apologized for) and speak truth in their place. I want him to hear before he completely closes the door, but I don't want to push away. Everyone tells me that time and space is what is needed which, of course, is easier said than done.

My birthday is this week. He was coming over to celebrate with my family and had a surprise "adventure" planned for us this weekend. The last time we talked that was still the plan. I'm hopeful that I will see him, but I'm not expecting to. The unknown scares me.

I know that God is faithful, even in dating. I know that He is teaching me to trust, and using my hairdresser to do it (that in and of itself poses a whole other issue... who's going to do my freakin hair??? He's been doing it for free for a while!!!!!). I know that things will be fine, that I'll move on whether my questions get answered or not. If you think of it, please pray for my heart for peace and confidence in God's plan even when I have no clue what it is, but most importantly, please pray for David and his heart, that God would soften it, not to me but Him.

Thanks friends.

I promise more soon!

Oh & let me know if your still reading-