Winter Camp

(Pictures courtesy of Jamie)
Last weekend was winter camp, when all the Brethren in Christ youth groups in southern cali head to the snow for the weekend. Those who know me well, know that I love camp. This was no exception. It was a blast (one of the best wintercamps I've ever been to!!). The kids were awesome, the teaching was heavy but excellent, and there was plenty of snow. An added bonus was that Jamie Sensenig came out for the weekend to be a boys counselor, took some pretty sweet pictures (of course that means that he is in NONE of them, becuase I didn't take my camera out of my backpack...sigh... will I ever learn?) and he got to hang out with some of the coolest kids on the planet and my family. As always, it's fun to have him around!


Two speakers came from Fuller Seminary's Youth Institute (FYI) and talked about finding Christ in the midst of pain, what ever the source of pain be. We all were challenged to be honest with the deep places of hurt in our hearts, things that are undealt with and swept under the rug, and seek the Lord there. Like in Hosea when "the valley of trouble becomes a door of hope." There were kids that came forward with things like cutting, abuse, hurt from broken homes, deaths of parents, bullying... It was a topic that both adults and kids could relate to. We were left with the story of Job and the fact that he never got an answer to his question of "why" but that what he got was far greater: God showed up. I was really affected, and I know I'm not the only one.

Until this weekend, I didn't realize how much I missed the kids. I pulled back from the youth ministry at the end of the summer for several valid reasons (I still keep in contact with most of my girls but haven't been around youth group much). But something has been happened this weekend. It could have been that I was at camp, it could have been having a good friend from PA around, or it could have been that I had way to much caffiene but there is something about being with these kids that makes me feel like things are right with the world....

huh??

it's been rainy and cold here. I walked out to my car this morning, running fashionably late as usual. To my surprise there was ICE on my windshield... what happened to the Southern California weather I've grown love?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

needless to say, I don't have an ice scraper and was more than just fashionably late.....

Sunshine please please come back soon... my feet hate shoes..

hello????

So, umm, it's been awhile. Truthfully I've tried updating several times (like 6) over the past few months but there is a ton to tell and I get lost in details which leads to frustration which leads to me daydreaming, which leads to me... well, not posting. I'm at work now so I don't really have time to post much (of which there is a ton, i.e. career change, work, church, CD releases.... like I said lost in details), but I do want to update on one specific thing.

One of the main reasons for my not posting is my business. I have been busy dating a man, since the end of Oct... Halloween to be exact. Those of you long time blog followers will know him as David from the Utopian Love Story post way back in Aug 2007. The last few months has been so fun, and so hard. Fun because he makes me laugh. We go on "adventures" instead of dates. (adventures are usually free alternatives to dates, like the beach to water color, or Ikea (below with the hats), or hiking, or catalina, or fishing). We talk hours on the phone, see each other almost daily, make up goofy songs that our fake band is going to sing...etc. It's been hard because I was forced to face a lot of my fears of being hurt, of being vulnerable and open, of not being good enough and had to let my guard down. These are all hard things to work through and it took me sometime to completely say "this is what I want." David was extremely, extremely patient with me. He answered questions, gave plenty of assurance and always always treated my heart gently in spite of the things I would say (and I said plenty of things I wish I could take back). I finally decided that I was ready to be 'in it' a few weeks before he decided he was done being 'in it'. And things ended rather abruptly last Thursday. The 'break-up' was amicable. I had an amazing quiet time earlier in the day that I believe was preparation for 'the talk.' We parted with the understanding that things would change but not too much. We would still see each other and talk, but keep things low key until some things in both our lives got worked out. He has since stopped all communication without warning or reason. I am left confused, sad, missing my friend terribly and am not sure what I should be doing. I want to make things right, but am not sure what exactly is wrong. I want to apologize for things I've said (that I have already apologized for) and speak truth in their place. I want him to hear before he completely closes the door, but I don't want to push away. Everyone tells me that time and space is what is needed which, of course, is easier said than done.

My birthday is this week. He was coming over to celebrate with my family and had a surprise "adventure" planned for us this weekend. The last time we talked that was still the plan. I'm hopeful that I will see him, but I'm not expecting to. The unknown scares me.

I know that God is faithful, even in dating. I know that He is teaching me to trust, and using my hairdresser to do it (that in and of itself poses a whole other issue... who's going to do my freakin hair??? He's been doing it for free for a while!!!!!). I know that things will be fine, that I'll move on whether my questions get answered or not. If you think of it, please pray for my heart for peace and confidence in God's plan even when I have no clue what it is, but most importantly, please pray for David and his heart, that God would soften it, not to me but Him.

Thanks friends.

I promise more soon!

Oh & let me know if your still reading-

Today:.

One year ago today I packed the Montero, loaded up the dogs, picked up Laura, filled up the gas tank and headed west. In a few ways, it seems like it was just yesterday, but in most ways it seems like it was a lifetime ago.

I read something the other day that resonated with me as I thought back about my time here over this past year. It read like this “Reality is like fine wine, it will not appeal to children.” (D. Miller).

I realize I have been a child in many ways, for a long time. I have lived in a world of what life “should be.” How I “should” be. I have lived in a white washed, self-constructed, how I wish life would be, deluded, chasing after but never quite finding, dream world. I dreamt of what life will be like when all the if’s and when’s become and placed my hope there. I dreamt so hard and long that I got lost far from the truth of my daily existence.

But a dreamer can only dream until they wake up.

And I had been asleep for a long time.

This spring, I woke up hard, choking, sputtering, gasping for air. Like someone had poured ice-cold water on my face in the middle of my sweet, sweet dream with so much force it seemed like a damn was breaking. My past and present came violently colliding with the reality of who I thought I was. And all those things I didn’t like about reality were there, all the ugly, messed up, broken down, insecurity laden, broken hearted, used and abused pieces of me were there waiting to be faced. Waiting to be stared down, waiting to be reckoned with, waiting to be validated, waiting to be forgiven, waiting to be loved, waiting to make peace.

I woke up hard. I woke up beyond “a tough time transitioning.” I woke up beyond romantic dreams dashed. I woke up on the edge, and I woke up broken.

I woke up to the reality that I was not okay, I woke up to the reality that I have abused my heart and my body, with food and alcohol and my words when I speak cruely to myself. I woke up to the wounds of chasing relationships, of being in the wrong place and the wrong time, and the abuse of others. I woke up to the reality of past filled with things long pushed under the rug, ignored and not dealt with. I woke up to the reality that I put more pressure on myself than God ever has or will; to be someone he never intended me to be. I woke up to the reality that I care more about what people think than what God says. I woke up to the reality that in the quest to keep myself sleeping and protected I have hurt people I love, that I am selfish, that I am greedy.

I woke up to reality that I had long been avoiding.

I woke up…to me

But I woke up……

I feel a certain kinship with Rip Van Winkle. I think this must be what he felt like when he rose from slumber after 20 years, rubbed the sleep out of his eyes to find himself in a new world, a stranger, even to himself. But I quickly learned this: that Jesus met the bleeding woman in the reality of her bloodiness, he met dead Lazarus in the smelly reality of a tomb, he met fishermen in the reality of their uneducated ignorance, he met the paralyzed man in the reality of his disbelief he could be healed, he met the blind man in the reality of his blindness… Jesus called them to be honest about their bloody, blind, ignorant, paralyzed, dead reality, He met them in their reality and it was in their reality that he loved them... it is only in reality that Jesus dwells.

This year Jesus woke me from my dream of me, and called me to account for my reality

This year, Jesus met me in my ugly reality.

He met me in my reality in ways I have never allowed him to meet me before

It is in my reality that I need him and it is in my reality that I found him

Jesus loves me completely in my reality

And it is in my reality that he changes me

A year ago today I loaded up the dogs, picked up Laura and excitedly headed west. I didn’t know what the road held, nor was I prepared for how hard it was going to be. I was very much a sleeping pacified child.

But reality is like fine wine, it will not appeal to children.

I don’t want to be a child anymore.

Happy....

3rd Birthday to the boy who refers to himself as "your friend," who gets his Nemo suitcase, grabs my hand and says "I love you. Lets go for a walk," asks his dad "Am I loquacious?" (I had to look it up too) and thinks that dressing up like Darth Vader means stripping down to your Thomas the Tank underwear, putting on your Buzz LightYear boots and carrying a "light saber." Love you Sam!!!

Wild Weekend

One thing I have come to appreciate is how Cali life and my personality fit so well together. Here in California, at least the part that I live in, there is always something to do, some sorta something to be involved in. To some, that sounds exhausting, rightly so. To me however, someone who thrives on people and for the most part is indifferent (within reason) to how time is spent as long as it's with said people; life here is a constant, continuous refueling... if that makes sense. This weekend was crazy- crazy busy and crazy fun!!

Friday night I went flying. That's right flying. A friend of mine is a pilot and invited a group of us to go for a "flight." We left just before sunset and flew until it was dark, landed, got coffee and flew some more. I have never been in a small plane (and by small I mean there were 4 seats including that of the pilot). But it was so fun and beautiful. I took these pictures with my phone (yeah... still haven't learned my camera lesson). It was the perfect evening to fly. The sky was clear and beautiful. We talked of future plans to fly up the coast to a place where you can land on the beach and camp. mmmm- the beach and camping and flying..... dreamy! (although there was some question as to where we put the surf boards for the flight:-)

On Saturday, after a long day of homework, I moseyed on into Pasadena to go swing dancing. Crazy huh?? Ok, I'm going to honest here- I don't swing dance. I merely went with my friend Corrie, who does by the way swing dance... quite well actually, to a special studio something or other. I didn't dance, though I was asked several times and offered a quick lesson by those asking. I thought it better that I observe and then get a lesson or 20 before participating. It was amazing! I learned toward the end of the night, after having been thoroughly amazed by boys flipping girls every which way, that, oh yeah... that guy, he's the West Coast Swing Champion, and oh those two, they dance professionally... and so on. Of course my role of protecting the couch from getting kicked or bumped or run into by crazy dancing fools, with my body was invaluable. Again these pictures were taken with my phone from the comfort of the couch, so the quality isn't that great. I don't think you'll be able to see it, but there is a guy in the green striped shirt with the girl in the striped shirt in the center of the first picture. He's a crazy flipper. My goal is to some day be able to dance with him.... I said goal... as in long term:-)

Friday also happened to be my good friend Alex's birthday! So we had several celebrations. One Thursday night into Friday morning... (ok, this was really just 4 us hanging out talking which lasted later than expected, but we still said Happy Birthday when the clock struck midnight.) One Saturday evening prior to swing dancing, and one on Sunday (which doubled as a youth leader meeting). Who knew turning 34 required such celebrating. No pictures of the parties, but for posterity sake, here's a picture of Alex singing with Sam, his son, last week at a house concert ( I believe the song was one that Sam wrote about sneezing... seriously the kid is turning three).
Now, with all the weekend behind me, it's back to work and back to school. This week is finals week. I had hoped to get my ethics final finished tonight, but you know..... maybe tomorrow. I'm tired!

Update:

Thanks to all who are praying for my family and for Ann. Here's an update on the whole situation.

Thursday afternoon, Ann's mom started telling people that Ann would be staying until Monday. When my dad investigated, he found that was either a miscommunication or a lie. When confronted, Ann's mom exploded and told my dad (using plenty of expletives) to back off. From there a "discussion" regarding Ann's options at discharge began. The mom had been refusing to give up custody, even temporarily, which is why everyone involved was willing to take legal action. When faced with the option of willingly giving up custody or having it taken, the mom decided to give custody to the paternal grandparents. The conversation with the parents and my dad ended like this: The mom: "I know you wouldn't do that, I know its just a threat." My dad: "test me (name) test me, and I'll see you in court." (Can I just stop and say how much I love my dad!!! Watching him fight for this broken girl gives me a heightened sense of respect for him and makes me proud to be his daughter).

I went to visit Ann on Thursday evening. She looked the best I have ever seen her and was in good spirits. She was not thrilled about going to be with her grandparents, but said that it was better than being with her parents. Ann was discharged on Friday and is at her grandparents now.

I think that being with her grandparents is better than being with her parents, but wonder if it is only a temporary fix. It is a better option, but I'm not convinced it's the best. My heart wants her to be with us and knows she will blossom if given the opportunity.

Through all this, Sheli has been amazing! The extent to which she has grown up is astounding. The girl that was once afraid to order a drink at Starbucks (seriously) was able to clearly and confidently tell her birth mother that she was wrong, that she was being selfish and that she is an unfit mother. She was able to tell my parents how she would feel in Ann were to move in. This is so huge!!! Those who know Sheli and her story know that she has lived in fear of having an opinion, fear of voicing her thoughts and was crippled by insecurity for reasons not needing mentioned here. But suddenly, she has seemed more like an adult and less like a kid. I love that girl!!!

Thanks for your prayers, and keep praying. I don't see this turmoil with Ann ending anytime soon.