OH Motivation, Where Art Thou??

Summer 2004

February 2006

april 2006

may 2006

My life, in its natural state, is utter chaos. I have little to no desire for any type of organization. I'm not just talking about my closet. My lack of enthusiasm for order extends into my finances, my relationships, my weight, time management, future plans, even into my spiritual life (except work, for whatever reason, I am organized to a "T" that 40 hours). I am not good at putting things away after I use them, folding laundry and hanging it up or keeping a cleaning schedule, I make "to-do" lists often but rarely if ever refer to them. My way of life is at a best undisciplined random hap-hazard events that if I'm lucky have some semblance of order. This is not something that I am proud and is something that I have spent a large portion of my adult life trying to overcome; at times succeeding more then others.

A year and a half ago when I left for my first trip to the west coast, my goal was to get two of these areas in some order. My top goal was for spiritual renewal. At Dougs suggestion, I came up with a daily schedule and allocated a chunk of time for quiet times and a reading list of books to go through. My second goal was to get my financial life in order. Shortly after I got here I developed a budget (which still feels completely unnatural to me though it is getting easier). Every pay check was in marked in my planner with notes about what bills it was supposed to go to (its still like that today, the system helps me see exactly how much is going out every week). A month later I joined the gym. I had been totally against joining gyms, didn't like working out but decided to try to incorporate exercise into my schedule 3 times a week.

The organization and schedule keeping felt so incredibly foreign to me. I was not used to being disciplined about anything, especially when I was trying to discipline myself. I failed often at keeping a schedule, other "important" things like sleep, or "American idol" got in the way. And I had to rearrange more then one payment schedule because of a sale at the mall and a new outfit would make me feel better about myself. And even though I was stayed pretty faithful to the gym (thanks to Star) there were times I was resentful of Star and mad that I had spent the money. Despite my shortcomings the Lord really met me (isn't that the way it always works?) but definitely not how I expected. My quiet times were rich and my debt was definitely shrinking. But it was at the gym that the Lord was pulling everything together for me. No, I don't mean weight lose, that was just a side effect. I had never pushed or been pushed past the point where I was ready to quit (and let me tell you, I was ready to quit and fire star at least once a week in the beginning). Or past the point where I say, "this is too hard" or "i don't have time" or "I'll do it tomorrow." There was no way to justify the number on the scale, "if you were eating what your supposed to you shouldn't be gaining weight" was said to me on numerous occasions. Or on the times when the scale didn't move either way despite all my work, I wanted to say "it's a medical condition." There was the taking stock of everything that entered my mouth and writing it down (that really helped with my check book balancing issue). I remember watching everyone at work eat donuts and not feeling like I could because I'd have to write it down and someone would see it. I soon realized that the things that I clung to, my excuses, my refusal to push myself, eagerness to give up, want for things that couldn't or shouldn't have (donuts) were not Gods best for me.

I noticed some of this new thinking showing up in the other areas I wanted to work on. For going the sale at the mall seemed okay, because it meant that I would be closer to debt free. Getting up early when I wanted to sleep in for quite times was (is) still painful but there were less excuses. Taking an honest look at my spiritual "physique" and having to say "if I fed my heart and my mind what I should it wouldn't look like that" seemed more like a challenge to step it up a notch rather then quit.

Of course, without saying, I have mastered none of this. My life, in it's natural state remains utter chaos. Organization is not natural for me. Giving up what I want for Gods best is never easy for me and I'm sure it never will be. I stumble more times then I succeed most days.... even the best laid plans fail. I continue to sin in every area possible. I am new to the world of self discipline. I know this because I have been at the same weight for over a month. At first I blamed it on a strange scale conspiracy, but now every bone in me is ready to throw in the towel and dive head first into a bowel of pasta followed by an entire chocolate cake. But for me, letting excuses to take hold in one area will mean I allow them into others. It has been quite a journey, at times an overwhelming one. It's like my dad said in his sermon on Sunday "growth happens more in the struggle with a issue then in the answer or outcome to it." And so I struggle.

I was working on getting some pictures ready for enlarging the other day. My dad burned the pictures I had on his computer to a cd because, in his words "they take up to much space". When I opened the cd, there were lots of pictures of myself I didn't know existed. I was stunned and so thankful for the reminder that sometimes growth or change isn't always obvious until viewed in hind sight. I don't have any pictures of myself (at least on this CD) past May.