Changing Seasons

Summer is always ended by the only thing that has the power to end it... the beginning of school. Summer officially dies tomorrow (I know, you're rolling your eyes right now. You're right, it is always summer in Southern California). But tomorrow my sisters go back to school, my mom goes back to school, all the kids in the youth group go back to school and I go back to school.

School means the end of weekly (sometimes bi-weekly) beach trips complete with boogie boarding, surfing, sun tan lotion and post beach trip aloe parties. It means the youth group goes back to their regular sunday school and will stop coming over to the house on Sundays for pancakes, french toast, breakfast burritos or whatever my girls dream up. It means no more surprise visits from kids at work. It means homework, paper writing, test taking & late nights after long days at work. It means new, but not necessarily fun, priorities.

Yesterday, to mark the end of summer, we took the youth group to the beach for the last official "beach day." We left later than usual and stayed well into the night to have a beach bon-fire. It was a very long, but fun, day. I left the group sometime between smore's and loading up the car to take a walk by myself.

I walked along the waters edge letting the cold water roll over my feet as the waves came in until I felt I had put a significant space between myself and the kids I had just spent the day with, the kids I hold near and dear to my heart. I found a spot in the cold, wet sand just out of the waters reach and sat... and sat... and sat... and sat. I sat alone, in the dark, staring out at a black sea speckled only with the lights of ships in the distance, mesmerized by the enormous waves that came crashing in and then just as quickly were pulled back out. It was both beautiful and dangerous. As I sat alone in the dark staring at a black sea, I tried to quite my mind. But instead, my thoughts turned to exhaustion from a day spent with kids, the decision to pull back from the youth group a bit and focus on school, the school journey itself, the thought of selling the house and the reality of transitioning friendships as my permanence here becomes more real. Being overwhelmed by a job that takes 2years to learn but having to able to do it in 3months..... all things both trivial and meaningful about california life flowed freely in and out of my mind until I asked a question I have thought often in the past few months but ever only whispered and never dared to wait for an answer.... "why am I here?" only this time I listened. There was nothing overwhelming, no lightening bolt from heaven or a grand revelation of my future only a soft yet strong voice saying "I am here."

I sat in the dark, staring at the sea, watching the waves steadily, faithfully and confidently, as if with purpose, roll in and get swept back out for a bit longer. It was both beautiful and dangerous. Then I got up, walked along the waters edge, letting the cold waves wash over my feet, until I reached the bon-fire I had left.