The break up and other honest ramblings

I've decided to end a relationship that Ive let go on for too long. I've tried to end it with this person before but I always get suckered back in by promises of smaller sizes, and skinny arms I love this person but have realized that seeing them is costing me too much right now. So, next week is my last week with Star:-( For those who don't know who she's my trainer here and I've been seeing her for over a year. I love her to death, she's been a great friend and encouragement, but simply put, she's expensive! The truth is, I know what I'm doing at the gym, I mean after a year, I know what works for me and what doesn't, I'm just not good at pushing myself (seriously ball squats, walking lunges and push ups are no fun unless there is someone there to laugh with you when you do them and even then I wouldn't consider it a good time). But now, I have to be super disciplined about the gym and working out and am going to have to push myself......... say a prayer it could get ugly:-)


The decision came after a couple of talks with my dad about finances and future plans. Both of which can be touchy subjects when not dealt with gently. Its very foreseeable for me to be out of debt in the near future if I give up things like Star (or Dave when I'm in PA) that are not necessities (what is a necessity and what's not can be a area of disagreement). My dad is also encouraging me to think and pray about renting my house out and take advantage of the housing offered by the agency I work for. His rationale (in addition to helping me become completely debt free) is that I would be free to travel if I wanted to and wouldn't have to worry about it every couple of months. One plus is that they furnish the apartments so no more couch on wheels! The thought sort of scares me. I already have a sense of homelessness, spending time on each coast but I always think of the house as what "grounds" me, a place that's mine and giving that up, even if it just renting it out means losing that. I know it sounds crazy because it's just a house but I start to think "where is home?" or worse "where do I belong?" neither of which I can answer. Not to mention, moving all my stuff out and getting it ready to rent completely overwhelms me.

I would be crazy if all this talk of "future" and "home" didn't make the single part of me scream "go where there is a chance" (of marriage of course:-) Another area of contention in my heart and mind. I am quite content being single now. I love my family, my job, my friends, the freedom. I love traveling and being in a new place, at a new hospital, starting new jobs and learning new skills is a challenge. I would also love to be married and settled. I've heard it said (repeatedly) that it's going to be hard to meet someone when I don't stay in one place long. So the question that plaques me is this; is it wiser to settle down and wait patiently for something that may or may not happen (or better put, may not be ordained by God to happen) or continue living this "rich single (and homeless) life" that may mean I'm single longer? Is it foolish to give up this oppurtunity for what may not happen?? And do I have to settle down to wait patiently or can I wait patiently and live bicoastally too?? Does walking down one path, completely close the other? Will I regret choosing either?? I've heard it said that a woman makes her plans for life and a man interrupts them at the ordained time. Are there still men out there bold enough to interupt?

Feel free to weigh in here.... I'd love to hear any and all opinions on the subject.

"All things are possible to him who believes, they are less difficult to him who hopes, they are easer to him who loves, and still more easy to him who practices and perseveres in these three virtues."

-Brother Lawrence